Dong

ALBANY, N.Y. - High schoolers can be cruel. They mock you for wearing a winter coat with a strip of fur around the hood, even though you're a Korean exchange student.

That's why Dong needed a new coat this evening. He wanted to stop the torment of his classmates, who are obsessed with tearing down anyone who might have a different sense of style.

His host father explained the situation. Short and stocky as his guest is tall and thin, the host spoke English with a clipped Brooklyn accent straight out of the Saturday Night Live "Two A-Holes" sketches.

"Dong needs a new coat. The kids at school. [Pause] Are making fun of him."

They started trying on new jackets, mostly the North Face ones that are standard attire in richer local high schools and most four-year colleges. He put on the Denali Fleece, a $165 coat that sells buckets year after year. Then he tried on a large down jacket which is sold by local sporting goods stores and "urban clothiers" appealing to the hip-hop crowd. The host father put Dong in a size Large, which rested on his small frame like a barrel on a naked man.I suggested a size Small might fit better. They protested, and we settled on a medium.

With Dong throwing on hunting vests, hooded sweatshirts and ski parkas with the North Face logo, I noticed that Dong cared about his dress. He wore torn and purposely faded jeans, a zip sweater with a popular Asian fashion line on the front a designer T-shirt underneath. He dressed like a typical Korean teenager.

We didn't have Dong's size in the jacket, so I put one on hold in another store. When I returned I found Dong & Host in party trick mode.

"Dong, show the man a Half-Asian person."

Dong used his hand to stretch out his left eyelid.

"He's such a joker! Now show him your karate moves."

Dong lowered his knees and bent his elbows upward at a 90 angle, like Bruce Lee. Never mind that karate is a Japanese art, and Dong probably studied a different one in Korea: this was a cultural exchange, and Dong must find a way to fit in America, just like everyone else.

New Hoodie Source

ALBANY, N.Y. - His hooded sweatshirt had my area code on it, so I asked him to tell me about it.

Turns out Jesse designed and silk-screened the hoodie at his own design shop, 518Prints. I checked out their Web site after work and it's a pretty professional operation. The difference between this site and others I've encountered is this business is a full-time job.

According to Jesse, who I met near a stack of Nalgene bottles, 518Prints bread and butter is selling merchandise to bands. They make up shirts and hats and mail boxes to different tour stops. This way the band always has a fresh supplies of buttons to sell to new converts, and doesn't have to haul 5,000 shirts from Portland to Seattle.

With the Eggcellent business on hiatus - or at least hibernation - as its founder attends college, this could be my new source for Albany-related T-shirts.

I owe Jesse one. He spent $425 on mountaineering equipment and a really fancy jacket.

Now I just need to coin the next Albany shirt sensation. Perhaps "Spitzer: Bringing Baldness Back" or "I'd Rather Be At X-Gates" shirt.

Flat Box

ALBANY, N.Y. - What will it take to get cups and bowls back onto American hiking trails?

Utensils and silverware have been under attack in the hiking world for some time now. While Thoreau traveled to Walden Pond with a set of knives and stew pot, experts today recommend the long distance hiker travel with just a metal bowl. Minimalists eat freeze dried food and drink coffee out of the same bowl.

While the few ounces might help on day six of a week-long trek through the Rockies, it makes the trip a less uncivilized. Enter Orkiaso, the flat plastic sheets that fold into leak-proof cups, bowls and plates within a minute.

I first saw these at Eastern Mountain Sports, where I'm putting in a few extra shifts for the holidays (Holidays to Russia don't fund themselves). EMS is giving the item a large display in the campware section of the store.



This clever innovation comes not from the land of the tatami but fussy old England. Three recent university grads took spacial-visual skills and a clever marketing strategy and turned it into one of the year's hottest inventions. It's now available - according to the product's Web site - on six continents, although who exactly in Africa is begging for flat bowls for hiking trips I'm not sure.

You won't find it mentioned on their Web site, butorkiaso means "folded plastic" in Japanese, and is a form of origami. It can't be considered true origami, because the sheets used to make the items have been cut into non-square shapes. But this invention shows that the one or two days devoted to teaching American children how to make a paper sailboat (or if you're lucky enough to have a Japanese exchange student, a crane) might not be a complete waste of time.

(On the subject of Eastern folding traditions, I wanted to point out that the Russian nesting doll, or matrioshka, isn't really Russian. The first ones of these dolls-within-dolls that every person brings back from Moscow were made in 1891, as a copy of an older Japanese style. The Japanese dolls in turn evolved from Chinese Boxes, the fount of thing-inside-a-smaller-thing worldwide.)

Orkiaso is manufactured in Shenzhen, near Hong Kong. This means that it took Brits, Russians, and Japanese to modify a Chinese invention, which is now made in China and sold to Americans and Africans at inflated prices. Imperialism is not dead.

Mack'd

BELLE PLAINE, Kansas - The following is a letter that I sent to the McDonald's Corporation after a recent experience in Belle Plaine, Kansas. This is the first time in recent memory that I've been moved to send correspondence to a company, but I think this time warrants action.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to complain about a McDonald's off the Kansas Turnpike in the town of Belle Plaine. It is located inside a service station just off the northbound section of road. I stopped there on Sunday in the middle of a journey between Wichita and Oklahoma City, for a quick snack and to refuel.

I decided to grab a bite to eat at McDonald's, it being the only restaurant in the service provider and a normally reliable food option. There was a line, but it took less than two minutes for me to place an order. I decided to try your newest menu item -- the Chicken Snacker and a small order of fries. Your dollar menu is genius. I was on the fence about eating or just pushing down the road, but there is something tempting about the idea of only spending $1 on a bite to eat. But I didn't actually spend $1 -- I spent $3. That's not too far from an entire meal, for less food. Pretty damn clever.

But I didn't care, I just wanted my food. No one gave me my food, rather the person behind the counter placed my receipt on the counter and did nothing. The next person in line was helped. Occasionally, a young man of maybe 16 came over, looked at the receipts and went back in the kitchen. At first, he didn't bring any food, but then he started to fill orders. A hamburger to an eledry women, a series of values meals for a large family from Texas. The orders came and went, but mine did not arrive.

Time slipped by on the digital clock posted on the wall. I ordered at 12:47, soon it was 12:57, then 1:02. No explanation, no apologies. Just people sitting around, not giving me a chicken wrap. I asked the person where my food was, the response I got was: "it's not ready yet." Then, five minutes later, I was told, "You need to wait some more." Then some time later the food was thrust in my face with a dirty look.

I've been to McDonald's. I understand I'm not getting the best food in the world, or the most attentive service. But I don't expect people to be overtly rude, and I certainly want the food to fast, especially when I'm on the road.

I must say, the chicken snacker was quite good (much better than that Fàn-tastic Sandwich you have in Hong Kong). I write because there's something wrong with this McDonald's, they don't seem to be able to handle traffic the way every other McDonald's in the world does. I'm sure it's a training issue, and something that can be sorted out. I hope someday to revisit the Belle Plaine McDonald's and have a prompt, friendly delivery of a Chicken Snacker.

Thank you.

Dried noodles!

BOSTON - To eat or not to the Baby Star Chicken-Flavored crispy noodle snack?

This tasty treat has been sitting on top of my refrigerator for four days now. Here's a top view of the bag:



It doesn't look too bad. Those giant brown noodles resemble crunchy angel haired spaghetti. The mascot is a cross between the karate kid and a Martian. I especially love the way there is a dialogue bubble with the text "Chicken Flavored" in it. The title is labeled, and so is the "crispy noodle snack" part, but apparently the "flavored" was only added as an afterthought.

Perhaps I'm reading way too much into this. As you can see from the front, I purchased these noodles for $1.09 from the Sun Sun Grocery Store in Chinatown. I was on assignment - taking a short interview from the owner of the store behind the main cash register - and looked around for a small morsel to eat on the subway. I bought these, and right as was about to open them on the way back, I saw this:



It's the back of the package. Telling me that consuming these noodles will add 600 calories, and 88% of my daily saturated fat allotment. That's a lot to ask for a snack that's only chicken flavored, and not actual meat. It means cutting out the hamburgers, steaks and real chicken for the rest of the day, all because of some salty yet slightly soggy meat substitute.

What were these people thinking? Or specifically what was the Oyatsu Company in Mie, Japan, thinking when they invented this snack? Did they possibly think it would be an acceptable substitute for the all-conquering and far-too-tasty Doritos (especially the Cool Ranch variety)?

Or maybe they have their own marketing strategy. I turned my attention to the bottom of the package:



Three ways to eat? That's crazy! Doritos only usually offers #1, considering that their triangle-shaped morsels are way too big to shove right into the mouth. Usually I'm not in the mood for dried noodle-y things when I'm drinking tea, but next time I am I'll be sure to try this.

Maybe these will getting eaten after all. I'm bound to be too cheap, lazy, or hungry at some point to leave them just hanging around the dorm room.

Update (11/26/06): I never ate these.